Running from Depression

I started running in college out of desperation. I was lonely and depressed. I remember having trouble sleeping and thinking I must be going crazy. I thought that a definite sign of going crazy would be if I started hallucinating. I had thoughts of suicide. I would lay in bed sometimes drifting in and out of sleep, but mostly I would just lay there awake in a state of fear; fear of going crazy and taking my own life.

I had been to a psychologist for while, but I couldn't confide in him what was really bothering me. I had smoked pot in college and believe some of it may have been laced with heroin. I had a bad trip and it gave me feelings of paranoia. I had flash-backs which only intensified the anxiety I felt and the feeling that I was going crazy.

I was extremely lonely. I had broken up with my girl-friend and she had become engaged to someone else. I had trouble dating other woman. I hated myself for being so shy. I envisioned myself dating woman and getting into the college scene, but it wasn't anything like I imagined. I kept up with my studies, but I couldn't take it anymore. The thoughts of suicide kept recurring. I could jump in front of that car, drive off a bridge, there were many thoughts that with just an impulse I could end my own life.

With a suggestion from my sister, I read a book called "Positive Addiction" by William Glasser M.D. I read it and thought I'd give his suggestions a try. He suggested running as a way to mental health. He said we're all creatures of addictions, some good and some bad. We should choose good things to be addicted to and one good addiction is running.

When I first started running, the thoughts of suicide persisted. I remember running on the road and thinking with a simple impulse I could jump in front of that car and could end it all. I remember saying to myself, give it a couple of weeks and if it didn't work, I would do it; I'd kill myself.

Even though the thought of suicide persisted for some time, they didn't create the dread I felt so intensely as before. I started sleeping better and the anxiety I felt didn't persist as before. I gradually increased my distance to a couple of miles and then to 6 miles. As Glasser suggested the activity should be around an hour a day. Just about the time I work up to 6 miles (an hour of running) I had my first set-back, I got injured. I hurt my knee and couldn't keep running. I had to take some time off. I thought I'd never recover. Would I ever be able to run again? The feelings of anxiety and dread returned.

I did recover and bought myself a good pair of running shoes. I continued to work my way up in strength and distance. One day while sitting with my family my mother said something about the muscles in my legs. I never really noticed them before. Somehow I looked down and my body had transformed. I had transformed; I was a runner.

Running was a great thing for me. I had an identity now. I learned what I could about sport physiology and training methods. People would see me running and I'd talk about it. People were interested in me. I started running road races. People would come out to watch me. I joined a running club and met more people. I trained and ran in my first marathon and I got a job at a fitness club.

That's been over 30 years ago. My girlfriend broke off her engagement and we got back together again. We got married, have two kids, have some money, have friends; and I'm high on life. Running has become a part of my life. It has been so good for me. I want others to know about it and get the benefits I have so much enjoyed. I'd love to hear your stories too, so please share them with me. Together, let's make people more aware the benefits running can provide.

Don't take bad running days to heart

I can't always predict if I'm going to have a bad day running or good. Today was a bad day. I don't think it says anything about my training other than it's probably time to back off a bit until I can attack the distance again with more confidence.

Two weeks ago, I ran 19 miles and had enough strength left over to punch the last 3 miles; faster than race pace. (oh yeah!) This week after some resting up I ran 22 miles. I was not nearly as strong as I thought I should have been. I will be happy with this accomplishment, since I was able to complete the distance eventhough I was not mentally or physically up to the task. I did it anyway and I can now back off with confidence.
Confidence that after some rest, I'll be able to look at my 26.2 mile marathon goal with better appreciation and mental preparation than when I set out to run 22 miles. It's all part of the training, I guess. Bad days prepare you mentally for your next run more than good days. We should accept the bad days as part of the training we do. Without them we can't find the will to do better the next time.

Looking back at why I was so strong at 19 miles it was, I think, due to failing to complete the distance as planned the week before. All week I was picturing in my mind how I wanted to recover and do better next time. I think now that I had another bad day, I will be ready next time. There's no guarentee this will be the case, but I'd rather approach my next run with more humility and mental preparation than I did this time.

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When running 12 miles is easy?

There are a lot of motivational factors about marathon training; being in shape, getting faster 10k times, enjoying the outdoors, and feeling confident about yourself. The one thing I think about is how far I've come from base training and how I'm able to run distances that I could not have reached before, but now can attain when I set my mind to it.

Most marathon training programs begin with a base mileage week. The running base usually consists of two or three moderate distance runs (6-8 miles) a tempo run and a 12 mile weekend run. When starting out 12 miles seems so long compared to a 10k run, I usually run. But after building up to distances closer to the marathon, the few weeks we have to recover usually involves resorting back to our base mileage; i.e the 12 mile run.

Running 12 miles seems so much easier now. After several months of building up 14, 16, 18 or more miles at a time, backing off and running 12 miles seems like, well?, a walk in the park? Maybe not that easy, but it's a great thought and one that keeps me motivated. If 12 miles can become much easier, then perhaps I will be able to reach my goal pace and complete the marathon.

I hope your training is going well. Please let me know what keeps you motivated.

Why I like to run

I like to run. Running to me is different than jogging. Jogging is exercise whereas running is a way of life. Having run for nearly 30 years with many different types of runners, I know some of you will understand me. For those who feel running is just something we do because it is good for you, then you are talking about jogging to me, not running. I think I would run even if they said it wasn't good for me. Running is more than health, although health is a very large part of it.

I think running connects us with our sense of self, with each other, with nature and the world around us. We are physical beings and spiritual beings. When we run, we connect ourselves to our bodies and our surrounding, our minds are focused and relaxed. The steady metronome of our pace allows our consciousness to enter a state of meditative awareness. We become aware of our breathing, our hands as they swing back and forth, the muscles in our legs, the incline or decline of the road ahead of us. Anxiety over our lives dissipates as we allow the physical nature of a run to burn off anxious energy; as a car burns fuel to go. The anxious energy is replaced with new confidence and peace that whatever we face, we can face with focus and calm energy.

This is running to me. Running is way to tune into our physical and mental energy in a positive, relaxed and contemplative state. Running is never boring. Even when I go out and run for hours and hours at a time, my mind is free to ponder issues without anxiety. Without running, I get caught up with these thoughts and can't separate the issues from my fears and concerns for them. While running I can. I can see the issues for what they are. I can accept them without fear or anxiety. The confidence I gained by completing a long run spills out over these issue and are wrapped in the same confidence shared with running. This feeling continues with all tasks I face for the day.

Running is way of life. It is not the only way. For those that find running hard, then walk, do yoga or go cycling. I think the same can be said for these activities. Although running is different for me. It is simple and primitive. It is the most sure way I know to be me.