Running from Depression

I started running in college out of desperation. I was lonely and depressed. I remember having trouble sleeping and thinking I must be going crazy. I thought that a definite sign of going crazy would be if I started hallucinating. I had thoughts of suicide. I would lay in bed sometimes drifting in and out of sleep, but mostly I would just lay there awake in a state of fear; fear of going crazy and taking my own life.

I had been to a psychologist for while, but I couldn't confide in him what was really bothering me. I had smoked pot in college and believe some of it may have been laced with heroin. I had a bad trip and it gave me feelings of paranoia. I had flash-backs which only intensified the anxiety I felt and the feeling that I was going crazy.

I was extremely lonely. I had broken up with my girl-friend and she had become engaged to someone else. I had trouble dating other woman. I hated myself for being so shy. I envisioned myself dating woman and getting into the college scene, but it wasn't anything like I imagined. I kept up with my studies, but I couldn't take it anymore. The thoughts of suicide kept recurring. I could jump in front of that car, drive off a bridge, there were many thoughts that with just an impulse I could end my own life.

With a suggestion from my sister, I read a book called "Positive Addiction" by William Glasser M.D. I read it and thought I'd give his suggestions a try. He suggested running as a way to mental health. He said we're all creatures of addictions, some good and some bad. We should choose good things to be addicted to and one good addiction is running.

When I first started running, the thoughts of suicide persisted. I remember running on the road and thinking with a simple impulse I could jump in front of that car and could end it all. I remember saying to myself, give it a couple of weeks and if it didn't work, I would do it; I'd kill myself.

Even though the thought of suicide persisted for some time, they didn't create the dread I felt so intensely as before. I started sleeping better and the anxiety I felt didn't persist as before. I gradually increased my distance to a couple of miles and then to 6 miles. As Glasser suggested the activity should be around an hour a day. Just about the time I work up to 6 miles (an hour of running) I had my first set-back, I got injured. I hurt my knee and couldn't keep running. I had to take some time off. I thought I'd never recover. Would I ever be able to run again? The feelings of anxiety and dread returned.

I did recover and bought myself a good pair of running shoes. I continued to work my way up in strength and distance. One day while sitting with my family my mother said something about the muscles in my legs. I never really noticed them before. Somehow I looked down and my body had transformed. I had transformed; I was a runner.

Running was a great thing for me. I had an identity now. I learned what I could about sport physiology and training methods. People would see me running and I'd talk about it. People were interested in me. I started running road races. People would come out to watch me. I joined a running club and met more people. I trained and ran in my first marathon and I got a job at a fitness club.

That's been over 30 years ago. My girlfriend broke off her engagement and we got back together again. We got married, have two kids, have some money, have friends; and I'm high on life. Running has become a part of my life. It has been so good for me. I want others to know about it and get the benefits I have so much enjoyed. I'd love to hear your stories too, so please share them with me. Together, let's make people more aware the benefits running can provide.